Non-binary Awareness Week: Q&A with Anne and Lynden

As we close out Non-binary Awareness Week, we’ve seen how many misconception there still is surrounding non-binary identity and gender-nonconformity. Luckily, this platform is being run by two non-binary people of two different generations. Anne, the founder and chairperson of the Pink Cube, is 25 years old, while Lynden, the secretary, is 51. In this Q&A they’ll answer questions about being non-binary, clear up misconceptions and investigate differences in their intergenerational perspectives.

Anne, they/them, 25, founder of the pink cube. and freelance queer art historian and curator. Nintendo enthusiast and proud of it.

Lynden, they/them, 51, curator, educator and researcher, secretary of the pink cube. Has a rescue dog named Charlie.

First of all, you are both non-binary. Can you explain what that means?

A: That differs from person to person, but you can sum it up by saying there’s men, there’s women, and then there’s people who aren’t either of those things. Or they’re both, or they’re a little more of one than the other, or they’re something else entirely. The answer is really in the word itself: non-binary. There’s the male-female binary, often presented as two polar opposites, and then there’s people who don’t fit that binary. They can be in between or outside of it, there’s really infinite possibilities when it comes to non-binary identity. Every person you ask will have a different answer.

When/how did you find out you were non-binary?

L: A straightforward question that is actually very complex and will end in an answer that will be (too) long. I only found out later in my life that the expression even existed, but I discovered about the age of six that I wasn’t a typical girl. I couldn’t be a girl and didn’t even want to be one, to begin with. At the same time, I was definitely not a boy (but wanted to do everything boys did and were allowed to do). I never quite understood the ‘codes’ of the female gender, and my character has always resisted gender role confirming patterns. For a long time, I thought it was because of my non-conformist attitude. 

Furthermore, your personality and identity develop throughout your life. You are, say, at twenty-five, not ‘finished’, and there is no need to have all the answers. In addition, your physical development goes through all kinds of phases and changes, which is not always an easy process by the way. Recently, I have gone through a deep and impactful phase that has affected both my body and my spirit. It was difficult, but it pushed my limits. I had to acknowledge that I had to work harder to become who I inherently am. The recognition, for example, that I had not developed parts of my personality, including my sexual preference (pan) and my gender. And lo and behold, when I researched better, there were words, terms, descriptions that suited me. Words that weren’t there before. 

Throughout my life, I’ve used terms for myself like androgynous, feminist, or non-conforming, but not queer (because queer was for others, I didn’t recognize myself in it.) So, I’ve always known that gender is a flexible concept; I gave myself on the female-to-male scale about 50% female and something else (not male ;)). Watching ‘Geslacht!’ (Sex!) – a Dutch docuseries broadcasted in 2018 and presented by Raven van Dorst – really hit the spot: so many incredible people I recognized myself in! Even after that experience, I did somehow believe it was no longer possible at my age to ‘change’ my gender identity. But thankfully, I threw that notion overboard. No one forbids me! Calling myself nb and also queer is, therefore, relatively recent. I am nb+female. I don’t know if I’ll ever get rid of that addition. The future will tell. 

A: I want to say I always knew something was ‘off’. I don’t think I knew that I wasn’t a girl, I just didn’t like being a girl and took every possible opportunity to be a boy (picking boy characters in games, dressing up as a knight or as Peter Pan at dress-up parties). When I was around 10 I first learned about transgender people and thought that might be me, but I felt resistance at the idea of undergoing a full ‘sex change’. It wasn’t until I was around 14 that I first heard someone use the word ‘androgynous’ and started to do some research into it. You know how you can fall into one of those Wikipedia holes, where you just keep clicking on related subjects? In one afternoon I found out that you could be genderqueer, genderfluid, agender, bigender, and that it was by no means mandatory to pick one or the other. It made so much sense. At the time I decided genderfluid was the best fit for me, although I did experience so much dysphoria that for a while I thought I was a binary trans man. After that I had another year or two where I presented a lot more feminine. In hindsight I think that was all part of the process of settling into my gender. I haven’t really felt any shifts in my gender experience anymore in the past years, which is why I’ve grown out of the ‘genderfluid’ term and non-binary works best now. But it’s weird to think that has been a 10+ year process.

What does being non-binary mean to you?

L: To be free from the expectations I have of myself and that others have of me. Really, the enormous liberation, I enjoy that every day.

A: It’s exactly the same for me. It’s so hard to explain because I also understand and acknowledge that for a lot of people those traditional gender roles do work, and I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. But for me they don’t, and it goes a lot further than just a fashion style or hobbies and interests. In my core I am just not male and not female, I don’t feel the slightest attachment to either gender and I don’t understand what they mean either. It’s completely abstract to me. What’s also important to me is that, by being openly non-binary, I ‘force’ other people to confront these questions as well. I don’t do it on purpose, it just happens because I exist. A lot of times that’s met with aggression, but I think they’re important questions to ask for everyone, not just trans people, so I’m glad I have that power.

How do you express your gender?

L: As I want.

A: After 10+ years I hardly think about that anymore. It just happens. I’ve really settled into who I am and how I want to be perceived, and for the most part I feel I have full control over that. I think that’s a huge part of it: asserting your autonomy fully. I hope that’s what I radiate, that I’m the one who’s in control.

Do you experience dysphoria?

L: Unfortunately, it is present and part of a regular conversation with myself. Acceptance of my assigned gender is my personal challenge.

A: Hard yes. Although it also depends on your definition of dysphoria. I experience a lot of social dysphoria in that nobody really reads me as non-binary because it’s just not implemented in our general consciousness yet. That’s fine, it takes time. I’m used to being read as female so I don’t often correct people, but the euphoria I feel when someone uses my pronouns correctly or just clearly knows and respects my identity is unlike anything else. I never truly feel seen, only by a very select group of people who are close to me. I’m also cursed with physical dysphoria that hormone replacement therapy can’t fix, because you can’t pick and choose which parts of your body you want to change on testosterone. If I go on hormones and then stop again, the things that give me the most dysphoria now will unfortunately go back to how they were. So I’m stuck trying to treat my physical dysphoria in different ways, which is hard, but manageable so far.

In what way has your generation impacted your experience as a non-binary person?

L: Again: where to start? I was a child just after the hippie time, a teenager just after the women’s liberation movement and the punk era. I see them as movements that wanted to break the traditional gender roles and explored the idea of ​​becoming your authentic self. The eighties (my adolescence) were a heyday of androgynous artistry; think of Grace Jones, Boy George, Annie Lenox, David Bowie, etc. Fantastic, of course, and it was exciting to be a teenager during that decade. Yet, this has not led to the normalization of other gender types and roles and modification of heteronormative thinking. However, the idea that you can be who you are has settled in our minds. I read it as: you can be who you are within the female or male gender role. Just work with it, stretch those limits yourself, like we all do. I still hear and read too often that nb identity is something of the younger generation. 

All in all, there is a lot of misunderstanding. While I especially expect more from my generation (X). (Lose your bias!) I find the new generation of adolescents inspiring. It is heartwarming to see how they develop and propagate their nb gender identity, making the world a bit better. 

A: It’s gone from a lot of misunderstanding and bullying when I was a kid to more acceptance and general knowledge. But I also, like everyone, live in a social bubble where most of the people I interact with are like-minded. It wasn’t always like that, I grew up in a very small Frisian village and not everyone was as nice as I would have hoped. But I was a petty kid and I just kept doing what I did and being who I was out of pure spite. Maybe that’s why I’m so loud about it now.

How do you respond when someone misgenders you? Do you always respond in this way?

A: Like I said, I usually don’t correct people. I’m a conflict-avoiding person and I just can’t be bothered. (That doesn’t mean you can go around misgendering trans people, though!) A lot of times I’ll end up in the uncomfortable situation when someone thinks they’ve misgendered me, i.e. called me a ‘he’ but then realizes my body actually produces estrogen. They think I’m a woman and start apologizing profusely, and I have to awkwardly explain that I really don’t mind and I swing either way, but then they think that I’m just trying to diffuse the situation to make them feel better, so they don’t accept that explanation. The recurring theme in those situations is that I am always the one trying to comfort the aggressor, even though I’m the one being disadvantaged. I wouldn’t have to do that if they didn’t start apologizing to feverishly, and there wouldn’t have been a problem at all. I wish more cis people could see that.

L: It’s not an issue for me currently, since my pronouns are she/her and they/them.

How can I support my non-binary loved ones?

A: There’s the obvious ones like using our correct name and pronouns and correcting people who misgender us. But I also think loving someone who is non-binary comes with a certain responsibility. There is nothing that hurts me more than hearing people I thought were my friends talking shit about other trans people. I’ve been told ‘oh, but I believe you!’, and it sucks! There’s nothing to believe! You can’t be selectively accepting of the people that fit your incredibly restrictive mold of what you think a non-binary person should be like. If you want to support your non-binary loved ones, you can’t stop there, you have to openly and vocally support all of us. If your family members get worked up about trans people at Christmas dinner, you defend us. Even when we’re not there. 

L: To tell my loved ones that I no longer identified as female was difficult and easy at the same time. Easy because I knew they would take me for who I am (I have amazing friends) and because they knew I wasn’t a cis woman anyway. I found it easiest to tell my daughter, who is 26, and very open-minded, loving, and supportive. One of my friends, a cishet man, responded with, ‘I will continue to see you as a woman.’ That is not the reaction you want to hear. That was difficult. The correct one is: how wonderful that you are who you are. I see you, I trust you, I support you. 

What was the most validating experience you’ve had concerning your non-binary identity?

L: I believe endorsement should come from within yourself and not from someone else. Although others can truly hurt you, of course. 

A: I hate how hard it is to think of an example! I do agree with Lynden, but there are also very little things people can do, probably without even realizing, that are incredibly validating to me. Like when my mom calls me her child instead of her daughter, or when my hairdresser understands that I don’t want a feminized version of the masculine haircut I asked for (hairdressers: stop doing that!!!). I feel seen in very little moments like that, and they take little to no effort. Which is also why it hurts that much more when people refuse to make that effort.

What is the most common misconception about non-binary people according to you?

L: Thinking about so many things, I can’t even choose hahaha.

A: Like I said, I definitely believe people think being non-binary comes with a number of rules. “If you don’t feel like a man or a woman, then why do you look/dress/act like one?” Because it’s impossible to morph myself into a genderless blob, Karen. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that we don’t care about gender as much as you do.

What is one thing you wish everyone knew about being non-binary?

L: You can identify as non-binary, regardless of your age.

A: Yes! I’ve talked to so many people about this who told me that they also don’t really feel a connection to their assigned gender, and just do what they think is expected of them, but they still don’t think they can be non-binary. For some reason a lot of people think being non-binary can’t apply to them because they never experienced dysphoria, or they don’t mind being associated with their assigned gender, or because they wear dresses and make-up and have long hair. It’s not true. You can still be non-binary even if you’re not an androgynous 20 year old. I wish all cis people would really, critically question their own beliefs about gender and their own identity. Even if you then conclude that you’re cis, it’s such a valuable exercise in self-exploration.

What advice do you have for your younger self?

L: You are right.

A: I actually think that kid did really well, all things considered. Maybe don’t have such a big mouth to the kids yelling slurs at you on the way to school, you’re only making it worse.